Mary

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 23:49:08 GMT

I hate you so much right now. I know everything now, I know about her, the book, the letters, the song, the picture...everything. I just can't beleive I found out almost 2 years later. what the fuck? You are nothing but a liar. You want people to beleive you are this amazing person, but really you are just scum, and you are worthless. Everything you do (or lie about) is only so people think you are so great, but you're not. In the end I hope you get everything you want, and I hope it destroys you, like you destroyed me. I can't believe what you did...

GO AHEAD, SPILL YOUR GUTS.

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 02:48:46 GMT

it's not going to make any sense. it's not about anyone. it's about everyone. you're probably in here, and you might not be. i'm breaking away once again. i need to get out before it destroys me. there is only so much to take and consume before you run away. i'm at the starting line. ready to run. i don't want to win and i probably won't. i've lost something i never had, but i want it back. it's amazing how one moment, one second brought me back to that. it made me realize how much i would do and give up to feel so alive at that point in time. you are my everything, i'd never admit it to your face, but it's true, trust me. i need to be taken there again. one last time. face to face. tell me something i want to hear. for once in your life, say it. say what you feel instead of what is "right." i said everything, i made a fool of myself, and all i got was "i love you...BUT..." i don't want that. all or nothing. choose. no middle ground. it kills me to much. you're the reason for all of this. you're the reason i held on. but i'm holding onto sand. i rather have nothing instead of something that has been continously slipping through my fingers. please don't tell me that will be that and who knows what will happen later. WHAT ABOUT RIGHT NOW? does it mean anything? the effort i put into all of this...was it for nothing. oh and you. talk about effort. are you happy with the payoff? lets just watch, it's like a game. and i know who is going to lose. go ahead throw it away, watch it burn, yet you stuck your hand back in the fire to save it. the only thing i can think of is...are you dumb? my god. you'll get hurt again. i won't say a word though. make your mistakes, there all yours to take, and you sure are taking them.

i miss you

i hate you

i think you're making a huge mistake

i love you

i can't wait to watch you fall

bitter?
not at all.

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 19:34:49 GMT

Never wait.
A hard lesson learned.
And it's kicking me in the ass now.

I'm sorry.
But I just want to go back.

Maybe it took this "slap in the face" to make me realize how dumb i've been about things.
I just wasted so much time and effort to get nothing in return.
goddamn it.

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 01:16:09 GMT

I havn't done this in awhile...

1. You're a great kid..

2. I can't stop thinking about you and who you used to be.

3. We have so much more to learn about each other.

4. You're turning into that person that I've said I'd always hate.

5. Sometimes you make me feel like we still have a chance, but yet when the oprotunity arises I turn away.

6. Don't go back to him, please.

7. Do something before he ruins you.

8. I miss you.

9. Grow up, I'm tired of listening to you complain about the dumb "problems" in your life.

10. I hate to admit it, but i'm jealous of you.

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 00:46:32 GMT

I miss you when you're gone.
I miss you when I'm standing right next to you.
Maybe, what I've been trying to say is that I miss us.

I miss a lot of people all the time.

but on a happier note:
my trip to maine went over great.
The car ride was effing long (5 hours there and 5 horus back).
But so worth it.
We went to the Anberlin show, and there was less than 150 kids there which was even better because i could see the stage.
Afterwards dan, scott and i just hung out in dans dorm for a few hours just talking and laughing about random shit.
I was going to sleep in dan's room, but scott's roomate was gone for the weekend so I just slept in his roommates bed.
Then today I just hung out in dan's dorm, watched his roommate smoke a lot of week (gross) and yeah that was about it.
then it was time for me to make my journey back to keene.
here are like 4 pics from the night.

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 10:45:08 GMT

I leave this morning at 11 to go to Maine.
I'm going to go visit Dan at college there.
AND.
Anberlin is playing at his school tonight.
so i'm way excited.
the 5 hour car drive should be worth it.

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 14:16:31 GMT

forehead kisses
sweaty palms
subway
open fields
benches
music
the floor
"ewww"
laughter
driving
tickling
the last night

US.

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 14:07:04 GMT

maybe if i took myself out of that situation I wouldn't feel like this.
i'm so tempted to just walk away and not come back.
but if i did, would you even notice?
i doubt it.
i miss you so much.

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 22:45:26 GMT

Please let this go the way I want it to go.

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 22:01:44 GMT

we both know who exactly i was talking about.
as soon as i spoke you just immeditly turned towards me.
it was one of those things your supposed to keep to yourself yet when put on the spot you just blurt someething out.
gah, it wasn't meant how it sounded.
it may be true but it sounds so much worse than it is.

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 02:19:45 GMT

it was you, i figured it out.
so you started talking to me about it for oh, about 2 mins.
and then changed the subject.
i had so much left to say to you.
i still do.
lets hope we get a chance to talk to each other alone soon.

I feel so stuck lately.
Like this is my life and nothing is ever going to change.
I'm completly blind during the week just hoping it will go by fast enough.
Weekends are amazing except when i have sucky work hours and can't go to nfield.
seriously, those kids are a breath of fresh air.
I miss them during the week.
i miss dan away at college.
i miss being able to nothing for a whole day because I could.

something happen.
tragic or amazing.
i'm tired of life and rather sleep through these days.

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 13:05:21 GMT

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 01:24:31 GMT

Are you sorry about my situation or are you apologizing to me?

I can't stop thinking about this.
I need to know.

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 15:41:52 GMT

If that was you, I wish you could just tell me so.

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 02:23:26 GMT

I miss who I was last summer and last year.
It was the only time in my life I felt whole and complete as a person.
I had everything I ever wanted and needed without any extra baggage.
I feel like this year I've so much of myself and others that I have to be fake and pretend in any givin situation.
There arn't many kids in my school I associate myself with and I feel like I'm trying to hard just to make it through a day without feeling alone.
With jeannie and sarah I tend to be more loud and outgoing, when really, i'm not like that at all.
With jessie, britt, and laura I tend to be sarcastic and 'in your face', but really I rather just be outgoing and go with the flow.
With the nfield kids, I just tend to follow them around, doing whatever they are doing when really i do have opinions but i rather keep them to myself because they don't really know me all that well yet.
I'm being pulled and twisted in so many directions when really I just want to stand stil.
I know I can be snotty and stuck up about my future, hey no wwrong in knowing what I want to do in my life, but I still have no idea who I really am.
And I don't think people realize that about me...I don't know who me is yet.
You came the closest last summer with showing me how to be real because you never judged me.
But things have changed since then and I don't think you view me in the same way you did when we first met.
I feel like when you look at me, you're disguisted with my lack of apathy and just the way I think about things.
I want to go back to that conversation where you said, "I'll always be there for you, no matter what."
Well, I need you now and you're here, but not with me.
We barely talk now.
I'm better friends with your friends than I am with you.
I miss who you used to be too.

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 17:41:37 GMT

I'm just going to stay at the bottom on the stairs and listen to the echo of your voice...

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 16:34:56 GMT

For the most part last night went well.
we all played scrabble, i got second place. woot woot.
then we went up stairs and dan's mom took pictures of all of us with dan.
we just kinda fooled around for a bit and we all took britt home.
jessie, alex and i stayed at dans till 10.
then it was time to say bye.....
i just started crying.
i felt like a fool for crying but what else can you do when your best friend is leaving the next day and you won't see them for a long time.
I just kinda broke down once I got home.
didn't get to bed until 1ish.
when my alarm went off i was pretty much like fuck this i'm not going to school.
so i didn't.
so far today i''ve had my moments of being fine one minute and then crying the next.
this is going to take some getting used to.

ALL WE HAVE IS ONE LAST NIGHT

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 21:44:57 GMT

I have so much left to say, yet I have nothing to say at all.
I composed myself today much better than I thought I would.
But soon as I was alone it really began to hit me.
You're leaving tomarrow and I won't see you for another 2-4 months.
After being used to seeing you almost everyday for 3 years.
I'm kinda freaking out and worried out of mine about it.
In a sense after tonight I've just lost the person that has probably changed my life and myself more than anyone, my best friend.

I'm going to miss you a lot.
Just promise you won't forget about me.

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 22:58:23 GMT

For all of you that care...here are my classes.

DAY 1.
Lit & Comp Honors (aka english 12)
Physics I Honors
Campus
Early release

only two classes.
can we say easy?

DAY 2.
Lit & Comp Honors
Physics I Honors
Intro to web page design
AP Psychology

overall, not too bad.
I'm deffinitly liking that i'm done with school every other day at 10:30.

hello 3.5 or higher GPA for this semister.

IT'S TIME TO GO BUT I'M STANDING STILL.

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 03:04:36 GMT

good weekend overall.
many many laughs over the dumbest things.

"you like apples?"
"green apples, fuck yeeeah"

"looks like a little turtle there..*knock knock*"
"feed it some lettuce, feed it some lettuce"

haha it was all to good.
I fell of the rope swing like 15 feet in the air, in the dark.
hurt like a bitch, so now i got some nice bruises on my leg and elbow, plus my pants are covered in grass stains.

I have no idea when i'm going to be able to go to northfield again to hang out with them because once school starts my life pretty much is homework, work, and volunteering.
i have no time for anyone.
why do the people i get along best with and like the most live so effing far from me...always.

I have come to the conclusion that i have wasted about a year of my time waiting for him.
nothing is going to come of anything.
a friendship.
i guess it's not what i thought it could be.
it makes me sad, but what can you when the one person that you want doesn't want you.
nothing.

Dan leaves for college this friday.
It still doesn't feel real.
I remember him saying six months ago not to worry about it because he still has a lot of time.
it's in 5 days.
these past 3 years of my life have gone by so quickly.
it's hard to let go of the one person you relied on with everything.
i think i've kinda let go since the begginging of this year.
but not enough.
i guess the one thing i want to say to him is thanks.
thanks for sticking by me when i seem absolutly crazy.
and never being dissapointed in me when he should have.
just thanks.

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 20:07:52 GMT

I feel so weak for giving up.
These next few days are going to be hell.
I'm not ready to say goodbye.
There are so many things I want to say before you leave that my thoughts are so scrambled.
I'll probably end up saying nothing that i wanted to anyways.
no worries.

So for tonight and tomarrow night I'm sleeping over Reed's house.
Tonight I think it's just gonna be me, jimmy and reed, maybe timmy.
Tomarrow Devin is coming over and sleeping over also.
This should be interesting and fun.

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 00:05:45 GMT

I wish I could be the bigger person and say "fine i forgive you."
But I'm not, instead I'll sit here and bite my tongue and not say a word.
That's what I do when I'm angry, I don't talk.
I'm too busy trying to forget.
Forget everything, every moment, every memory, every conversation.

As much as I love love love hanging out with those kids, I've realized that I'll never get that me & you time anymore.
Which is what I want more than anything right now.
I need a chance to talk to you alone and figure things out.
I doubt I'll get that chance.

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 23:19:44 GMT

it made me so sad to hear him talk about what he's been going through.
I just sat there with this look of atonishment and shock.
At one point he said something and i was completly taken back.
I litterly jumped back a little.
I want this to be over.
No more.

I can't believe things got that bad in the first place.

You never deserved it. ever.

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 02:29:39 GMT

We moved into our new house today.
I love my new room.
The walls are teal and I printed off a lot of pictures from people's myspace's and from shows and other places where i've been with my camera.
Everything is clean and new.

If you look hard enough I probably have a picture of you...

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 03:44:05 GMT

For the most part, today was amazing.
I went to Northfield to go see Devin at his friend Reed's house and Jimmy was there.
They had me take these crazy pictures of them for their film thingy or whatnot.
Most of the funny pics were taken on Reed's camera and you can see them on Devin's myspace.
But I got a few funny pictures with my own...

Jimmy in the shower

oh snap, Devin's sorta naked

Devin & Jimmy in the shower. oh cute...

oh jeez...

rubber snake...we thought it was real at first. (Jimmy)

Devin swimming

aw, Jimmy was rowing me back to shore and singing me songs

Reed

I tried getting the picture while they were in mid-air jumping off the roof, but i got it as soon as they hit the ground.